A word from The Glam Femme founder and editor, Patricia Martin:

This week’s “Femme Voices” will be a little different as we are taking a very small break from the series for the “holiday” and featuring some of my own fiction work.

This piece is an excerpt from something I wrote more than a decade ago that I hoped would become a book in the future. I wrote it when I was reflecting on a time in my life and knew that I needed to put pen to paper, literally. I wrote much of the entire piece in notebooks and on scraps of paper that I saved for years along with my many, many journals. At the time I wrote it, I considered this to be my own version of “hood lit“, which was one of my favorite genres to read.

Although this book has been put on hold so that I can focus on my fiction that centers queerness, this piece is still dear to my heart. I hope you enjoy!

Excerpt from “Allure”, By Patricia Martin

Tienna splashed her tear-stained face with the lukewarm tap water. She rubbed her eyes gingerly then opened them wide, staring at her worn out reflection in the mirror. “Why do I always put myself through this?” she asked herself with the same confused disbelief she always had every time it happened.

She reached for her makeup sponge and began to slowly but purposefully smear the creamy caramel brown concealer on the places that showed her shame the most. She stared at herself again, this time trying to ignore the sad feeling in the pit of her stomach that she was certain always showed up in her face. She got angry then but only for a quick second because she remembered all too well how tiring that emotion was. She had no more energy for self-hatred so, for the moment, she only allowed herself sadness. Still, she only let one more tear fall, refusing to let herself enjoy more than a brief moment of self-pity.

She resented the fact that Ramón’s lazy ass had probably fallen asleep on his naked bed, completely forgetting to take out the sex-stained sheets she had put in his washing machine before she left. Either that or Charissma had come home and had persuaded him to get the paisley sheets dirty again in what would be ‘Round Two’ for him. Tienna got sick to her stomach at the thought of Ramón’s beautiful brown body making love to his woman — so naive to her man’s unfaithfulness. The same man who had Tienna in the deepest love spell she had ever fallen prey to, a spell so deep that she sometimes confused it for hatred.

***

She never meant to stay longer than just a few minutes. She had mentally cautioned herself not to be persuaded by the seemingly good-intentioned offer to stay awhile that would surely follow after he laid his welcoming eyes on her standing at his door. But when that time came, she choked on her rehearsed words of refusal and the only audible word that escaped her lips was a timid, “O.K.”

She stepped into the apartment tentatively but felt strangely at ease once in his calm presence. He was always this cool and composed about everything and sometimes it annoyed the hell out of Tienna because she couldn’t be the same way in these situations. Ramón put his hand on her shoulder in one more attempt to put her at ease. It worked. She sighed loudly, temporarily exhaling all of her worries.

“What’s wrong?” Ramón asked as he went behind her to shut the door. “If you’re thinking about Charissma, she works real late tonight, so stop looking so scared,” he said touching her cheek lightly. She flinched, embarrassed that he had managed to see right through her. But at the same time, she was annoyed so she got defensive. She frowned at him and rolled her eyes. “First of all, what makes you think I’m scared? Besides, why would I care what time she comes home?” Tienna said with a sudden nastiness to her tone.

“Damn, Tienna, there goes that stank attitude again.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?” Tienna demanded, trying to sound tougher than she felt.

Ramón looked at her as if he felt sorry for her. “Exactly what I said. If you keep acting like a little girl you’re going to get treated like one. You need to grow up, that is if you want to keep putting yourself in these grown-up situations like you always do. You come over here acting like we both don’t know the real reason why you’re here. Look at you, “ he gestured towards her, “Standing in front of me looking all sexy in the middle of my day off when you know this is Charisma’s night to work late.” He paused and smiled smugly, “Shit, you should know by now your little angel act won’t work on me; I know you too well.”

Tienna was heated. “Forget you Ramón, I’m not gonna stand here listening to any more of your bullshit. You always think you know so much about everybody. Well, guess what? You don’t know shit about me!”

She turned around to leave but Ramón grabbed her arm as she reached for the doorknob. Tienna spun around and tried to pry his hands off of her. Ramón just looked at her with that steady and confident look on his face like he had just won some great victory. In a way he had. He had gotten under her skin the way he seemed to do every time they saw each other. He knew he had that power over her and he was never hesitant to exercise it.

“Why can’t you ever just leave me alone?” Tienna burst out in frustrated tears of defeat.

Ramón loosened his grip and softened his gaze. There was no use in scaring her any more than necessary. She was already right where he wanted her so the rest would be easy.

Tienna looked down at the ground, angry at herself for letting down her guard yet again. She started to cry in front of him; he always managed to bring out every emotion in her. Ramon tilted her head up to look at him and kissed her gently, tasting the salty tears on her face. He felt her bottom lip tremble as he pulled her body tightly against his and kissed her again, more deeply this time.

She allowed the moment to take her over and she kissed Ramon back, against the will of her better judgment. The present began to drift away and in her mind, she pretended that she was 14 years old again. But she wasn’t. And she had to stop herself from letting him take her as far as he always managed to do.

She pulled her face away from him as much as she could, which wasn’t very far since his big arms refused to let her go, as always, without a fight.

“How dare you accuse me of…” she said softly, trailing off because the reality was just too ridiculous for her to admit.

“Of what?” he challenged Tienna.

“Of… Of coming over here to seduce you or something…”

“But isn’t that what you came here to do? Every time you come over here it’s the same damn thing. You come knocking on my door, your pretty face all flushed, lips all glossy, ass all out, looking good as hell. And I take one look at you and know we’ll be fucking by the end of the night,” Ramon paused for emphasis, “It’s a cute little game you play but it’s getting kinda old, babe,” he finished sarcastically.

Fuming, Tienna began to attempt to defend herself but Ramon put his finger to her lips, shutting her up. “Shh.”

She knew his words were at least partly true but his smugness just made her feel worthless in her realization of the truth in his words. Just when she had convinced herself that she had everything in control, Ramon was always there to let her know otherwise. He was in control.

She squeezed her eyes shut and again tried to pull away from him. But his grip was still tight. She told herself that he was just treating her this way to quiet his own guilty conscience about cheating on Charissma. She couldn’t let him give her all the blame.

She pushed against his chest, afraid to speak lest she start to cry again but he just held her tighter. He kissed her on her forehead, remembering how well her body responded to that kiss five years ago the first time he had her wrapped up in his arms. Then he whispered in her ear, “Tienna, stop fighting.” Her determination melted away and she became limp in his arms just like he knew she would.

Giving up, Tienna put her head on his shoulder. She had no energy to fight him or her desire to feel loved by him again even if under the false pretense of sex. He was right. She did want him and that’s exactly what she came there for. To be with him was pain and pleasure all at the same time. She subjected herself to him in small doses that drugged her like the L’s she used to smoke with her friends in high school. With Ramón, she could escape her miserable reality and inflict punishment on herself for allowing her life to be the way it was.